I have a tendency to think up my blog posts at 4am, plan them completely out in my head while in my insomniatic state and then just as I’m about to give up on sleep and get up to write said post I mysteriously fall asleep losing all that data in my head by the time I re-awake. It’s very frustrating.

It’s been almost FOUR months since my last published post though a zillion have been whipped out in my head. I’m really struggling with that whole FOCUS thing I picked as my mantra word for the year. Partly proof it needs to be my word and partly frustrated with self for not adhering to it more.

I’ve felt a little lost this year. I knew at the end of last that a job I love was coming to an end and that I had to have a place to focus that energy. Knowing I need to and doing so haven’t been meeting up with each other though. My beloved job is down to a minimum now and will end completely in the next couple of months. My heart is taking it harder than my brain was prepared for. But I think I’m finally starting to come out the other side.

In spite of my brain having made plans for this inevitability the rest of me has not been willing to get on board. Oh I started off all gungho, all mind over matter, all you got this girl. And then quickly fizzed right out.

I don’t think I gave myself credit for how hard this drastic shift in my professional life this going to be emotionally. I mean I love my job and all but it’s a job, a means to an end. Life is a lot more than any one job right???? I’m surprised by how much of my self esteem is wrapped up in my job. I actually think it’s more than the word “job” though. I think it’s about the feeling of contributing something valuable and measurable.

And I think I’m on to something here. The word measurable. How powerful that word is. How many of us have been on some diet over the years only to not see a “measurable” change on the scale, get frustrated and quit??? Why do we put so much into the word “measurable” and who determines the measurement anyway? You, your family, your friends, society at large? Who is measuring you? Why do we feel the need to “measure up” or assume we’ve failed?

For me, losing that easy measurement of feeling like a contributor; to my clients, to myself, to my household – total knockout punch I didn’t see coming.

When you’re making up your own goals and say – blogging – who’s measuring your achievements? You? Um ya, so if you skip it for a week, and then a month, and then two… Who’s going to fire you, hold you accountable, or even notice? Oh ya, that’s right YOU are. And you’re going to feel like you don’t “measure up” and bring on the self doubt, the feeling of failing yourself, the ughhhh of it all.

I don’t think blogging is for me. I’ve tried a lot and my brain is littered with information I’d love to get out of me and share but I’ve tried here and there for years without consistency. I think I need to admit to myself that I need something with more measurability from some sort of outside force.

I may have found someplace to focus my energy that brings me what I need. We shall see in the coming months.

Meanwhile, if you are one of the few people who ever reads this… How do you stay motivated? Is your sense of self achievement tied to “measurability”? Maybe you are one who can measure on your own and not need outside confirmation? If so please share your thoughts.